مَنْ وُلِدَتْ لَهُ أُنْثَى فَلَمْ يَئِدْهَا، وَلَمْ يُهِنْهَا، وَلَمْ يُؤْثِرْ وَلَدَهُ عَلَيْهَا – يَعْنِي الذُّكُورَ – أَدْخَلَهُ اللهُ بِهَا الْجَنَّةَ
Allah’s Messenger (صلى الله عليه و سلم) said, “Whoever has a daughter born to him that he does not bury alive*, degrade, or show favouritism to a son over; Allāh will grant him entry into Paradise because of her.” [Abū Dāwūd #5146, Ḥākim #7426]
*a reference to the pagan practise of burying new born daughters alive because they did not want girls
A love story untold
A love story that the pens overlooked
A love that the pages deemed unfit to soak
A beautiful picture left in the darker side of the gallery
Sold, spent, but not told
Told to be a man in a mans world
Tuck that shirt in and pull up that tie and fend for your family.
Compared to a mothers love the father is always a failing second
Lined up and fired at,
Constantly reminded why they can never be compared
But hearts are hearts male or female
blood is blood
tears are tears
For emotions speak a language far superior
A language that only He سبحانه و تعالى knows best.
In all of my counselling, I have never seen a couple in which both were not at fault to some degree. One may have committed the overt act of adultery or lived an egocentric lifestyle with little concern for the needs of the spouse, but the spouse also had failures. It is easy for us to identify the failure of our mates, but more difficult to admit our own. I have often given individuals a sheet of paper and asked them to list the faults of their spouses. They will write profusely for ten or fifteen minutes. Some have even asked for more paper. The lists are magnificent and detailed.
When I ask them to make a list of their own faults, they immediately list their one big fault. That is followed with a long period of silence as they try to think of number two. Some never find it, and seldom has anyone come back with more than four personal faults. What does that tell us? That the spouse really is the problem? Hardly, for each spouse has a grand list of the other’s faults. It tells us that we tend to see ourselves through rose-coloured glasses. Our faults do not look very big to us because we are used to them, we attribute the real problem to our mates’s behaviour…
Failures come in two basic areas. First we fail in meeting the needs of our partners, and second we fail by doing and saying things that actually are designed to hurt them. We fail to do what we should do for them and end up doing what we should not do toward them. Certainly it was not our desire to fail. We had dreams of making our mates supremely happy, but when our own needs we’re not met, we became cool and later hostile.
Gary Chapman: Hope for the separated
Salman al-Odah was asked, “How do you get your kids to love the salah?”
The first thing he said was, “Have them love you.”
Learn this life lesson: tarbiyah is founded upon relationship.
Tarbiyah is the raising up and education of a child such that she can reach her full potential as a human and a Muslim. It is different than ta’leem, which refers to fact-based education.
We often confuse the two, giving our children ta’leem when they need tarbiyah.
Ta’leem is teaching our children the how-to of the prayer. Memorizing the duas, learning the positions.
Tarbiyah is the cuddling after the prayer when we ask each other, “What did you ask for in sajdah?”
Ta’leem is memorizing ahadeeth and verses.
Tarbiyah is the dinner-table banter where we talk current events and other issues on our mind.
Ta’leem is studying fiqh.
Tarbiyah is the loving conversation we have about an incident that happened at school.
Ta’leem is studying seerah by memorizing dates and events or preparing for a quiz bowl.
Tarbiyah is snuggling in bed and telling stories of brave heroes of the past.
When we were at Umrah, Ustadh Abu Eesa stressed this point a great deal and it has caused a seismic shift in my own approach to teaching my children. I had asked him if he had a suggested program of study for school-aged children. He responded by saying that he was no expert on education and he would leave that to the experienced teachers to develop such a program. He directed us instead to focus our efforts on building relationships with our children as our tarbiyah.
“Tarbiyah,” he explained, “is an emotional, not a physical exercise.”
He went on to explain that in the Qur’an, we are taught the dua for the parents as follows: “O Allah, have mercy on them, as they rabbayaani when I was young.” In other words, have mercy on them because they did tarbiyah for me when I was young. It doesn’t say “because they ‘allmaani”–because they taught me.
Long after facts have come and gone, what a child will remember are the memories she has cuddling on the couch, laughing at stories, and warmly basking in the glow of a parent’s attention and love. This relationship is what builds the person up, not the facts and pieces of knowledge imparted.
This does not mean we do not teach facts and knowledge! Those who follow my work know that I do indeed spend time on this ta’leem. You need to discern the difference between the two themes of ta’leem and tarbiyah though, so that you give adequate time to each.
Most importantly, you must understand that you, dear parents, are indispensable. You CANNOT outsource tarbiyah. You can send your child to classes and masjid programs for ta’leem but this can never replace tarbiyah. The cuddling on the couch, the lively discussions around the table, the one-on-one chats before bed….these are the things that only a parent can do. And these are the things that build the foundation of the Islamic akhlaq and adab (morals and manners).
shareable link: https://themuslimeducator.wordpress.com/2017/05/23/tarbiyah-vs-taleem/ (You can also sign up at the link to have articles delivered via email)
“To fulfil a woman, a man needs to understand what she needs to feel loved and supported. The way women score points is not just a preference but a true need. Women need many expressions of love in a relationship to feel loved. One or two expressions of love, no matter how important, will not, and cannot, fulfil her.
This can be extremely hard for a man to understand. One way to look at it is to imagine that women have a love tank similar to the gas tank of a car. It needs to be filled over and over again. Doing many little things (and scoring many points) is the secret for filling a woman’s love tank. A woman feels loved when her love tank is full. She is able to respond with greater love, trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval and encouragement. Lots of little things are needed to top off her tank.”
Men are from Mars, women are from Venus