Think before you speak…

Before you flippantly ask a woman, “when she’s going to get married” consider; perhaps yesterday the person she and her family joyfully thought she was going to marry decided to break it off and she’s still reeling.

Perhaps she’s the survivor of abuse and trauma and she’s still struggling to consider the possibility of marriage as a healing relationship.

Perhaps she’s oppressively been denied over and over because of the racism, colorism, abelism and classism which exists in our community.

Perhaps she’s eager to consider marriage, but constantly dealing with the stigma of being a divorcee or single mother.

Perhaps she’s the sole care taker of her elderly parents and no potential suitor has been open to having her parents live with them.

Perhaps she’s terrified because she has only seen angry, hurtful, abusive, painful relationships and she’d rather be single because she’s never seen marriage bring tranquility.

Perhaps she has her own private reasons to focus on school and work and community that go beyond the assumptions others make of her and labels others place on her.

Perhaps she desperately wants to get married, cries about it in the privacy of her room, while forcing a smile when you’ve awkwardly asked her this question, reminding her she’s getting older when she is very, very well aware of that reality.

Unless you’re in a trusted position to support her, before you ask a woman “why she isn’t married yet,” perhaps consider not asking her at all.

Maryam Amir

It’s the fathers right

‏قال العلامة ابن القيم رحمه الله تعالى :

‏«تسمية المولود حقٌّ للأب، لا للأمِّ، وهذا مما لا نزاع فيه».

‏[تحفة المودود – ص١٩٧]

Ibn al-Qayyim said:

Naming of the child is the right of the father and not the mother, and this is something that has not been argued over.

*of course this is the scholar’s deduction and I am personally only sharing for the benefit of his saying.

The effects of a righteous spouse 

Joe Bradford:
I studied Arabic grammar in Medinah with Sh. Muhammad Uheed al-Shinqiti, among others. 
I once asked him when he memorized the Quran. He said when he was a child. I said “Is it true that you memorized it by the time you were 4 years old?” (I had heard this from a friend.)
He looked away shyly then turned and said: 
“Yes. Since I was able to sit up on my own, my mother would place me at her feet while tending to work in our home. She would review several juz’ everyday depending on her workload. I sat there and heard the Quran recited more than 100 times before I was 4 years old. This is why I was able to memorize before being able to read and write.”
May God bless all the mothers of our community to be like his.
Salah Sharief shared this post and added something I think is important to share as well:
“Choosing your spouse is arguably the most important decision you’ll ever make. Your children are your extension. If you care about your legacy more than your desires, you will choose differently.”

That’s not how a man should act

Walid As-Saeedan was asked: “شيخ هل من نصيحة لزوج دائما يتحدث بسوء عن زوجته ويكذب في ذلك وهو يستهزئ بها…ويفعل هذا حتى يري الناس أنه رجل فحل والله المستعان! ”

Meaning: Shaykh can you provide good advice to a husband who always talks ill of his wife in front of others (and these are lies) – and he does this he does so that he can put down his wife and feel more like a man in front of others. 

الحمد لله رب العالمين، هذا يعتبر في الطب النفسي نقص في الشخصية…فهو يريد أن يكمل شخصيته أمام نفسه وأمام الناس بالإساءة إلى من أمره الله عز وجل والنبي صلى الله عليه وسلم بالإحسان إليها واحترام مشاعرها وإكرام إنسانيتها بل إن النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم علق الخيرية على خيريته لها وأمره أن يقوم بحقوقها وأوصاه خيرا باحترامها وأن لا يسيء إليها بقول أو فعل. أين هذه الوصايا؟ 

أويختزلها الزوج حتى يبرز شخصيته ويثبت أنه بطل أو أنه شجاع فأنا أقسم بالله أنه رجل بدون إساءته إلى زوجته واقسم أنه شجاع بدون الإساءة إلى هذه المسكينة فلا يجوز لنا أن نسيء إليهن لا باقوالنا ولا بأعمالنا يقول الله عز وجل: وعاشروهن بالمعروف ويقول الله تعالى: ولهن مثل الذي عليهن بالمعروف ويقول الله عزوجل ومن آياته أن خلق لكم من أنفسكم أزواجا لتسكنوا إليها وجعل بينكم مودة ورحمة ويقول النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم خيركم خيركم لأهله وأنا خيركم لأهلي ويقول صلى الله عليه وسلم: استوصوا بالنساء خيرا في وسنن أبي داود من حديث حكيم بن معاوية عن أبيه عن النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم أنه سأل النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم فقال: يا رسول الله ما حق زوج أحدنا عليه؟ فقال أن تطعمها إذا طعمت وأن تكسوها إذا اكتسيت وأن لا تهجرها إلا في البيت وأن لا تقبح ما معنى تقبح؟ أن لا تقول في وجهها الأمر القبيح إياك أن تقبحها أو أن تسيء إليها أو تزدريها أو تسخر منها أو تستهزئ بها فلها إنسانية يجب احترامها ولها مشاعر يجب إكرامها ويكفي أنها تركت بيت والديها التي كانت معززة مكرمة وجاءت إلى بيت زوجها فحقها الإكرام لا الاهانة وحقها الاعلاء لا التسخط وحقها ابراز شأنها أمام صويحباتها وامام الناس لا انقاص شأنها ولا هدم أركان احترامها”
Meaning: All praise is due to Allah alone, the person who does this is certainly mentally handicapped – one who has a deficient personality. It would appear as though he wants to satisfy the void he feels in his personality by propping himself up and proving he is a man to himself and others by putting down his wife! 

Allah and His Prophet, may Allah praise him, have commanded that husbands be kind towards their wives and show respect for their feelings and respect for their humanity. 
Moreover, the Prophet , may Allah praise him, stated that the best of all are the best to their families. He ordered husbands to take care of their duties that are owed to their wives and he ordered that men not physically, verbally or psychologically abuse their wives…where is this husband from all of this? 
Will this husband simply forgo all of this for the sake of propping up his personality so that he can appear a hero in the eyes of those who are outside? Would he put down his wife so that it be said he is brave? 
By Allah a man is a man only when they do not harm their womenfolk!    

It is unlawful for a man to be abusive in any form towards a woman…Allah, the Exalted, says: “And live with them in kindness” and He says: “the rights of the wives [with regard to their husbands] are equal to the [husbands’] rights with regard to them”. Allah also says: “And among His wonders is this: He creates for you mates out of your own kind. so that you might incline towards them, and He engenders love and tenderness between you: in this, behold, there are messages indeed for people who think!”

The Prophet, may Allah praise him, said: “The best of you are the best to their wives and I am best to my wives.”

The Prophet, may Allah praise him, also said: “Treat women well”

In the Hadeeth found in Abu Dawood on the authority of Hakim bin Muawiayh, it states that the Prophet, may Allah praise him, was asked: “What is the right of one’s spouse upon them?” �He said: “When you eat, you feed your wife, when you get clothes – get them for your wife as well, and that you not be vile towards her and do not become ‘ugly’.” 

The meaning of ‘ugly’ in this context is that a person should not be evil towards his wife, not speak ill of her or put her down, or make fun of her or scoff at her or ridicule her. This is Haram. One must always respect his wife’s humanity, and her feelings and honour her. It is sufficient that she left her home, where she was respected and then came to the home of her husband, her right is that she is to be respected and honoured…not dishonoured or put down! One should speak highly of her in front of her friends and in front of people…one should never cut her down or break her down psychologically. Allah knows best.

The case for Polgaymy 

Taken from the Facebook page of: Muslims against Feminsim 

Taken from the Facebook of Muslims against feminism:

A fact that many Muslim feminists struggle with is that the Prophet Muhammad (s) was a polygamist, and the Quran (4:3) allows men to marry up to four women if he can do justice to them.

Now I don’t want to undersell that caveat – “justice” here means that the man must allocate the same amount of money and time to each of the co-wives. This is an important fact to keep at the back of your minds for the rest of this post.

When the Prophet’s polygamy is mentioned, they may say, “well, he married older widows”. It is true that many of the Prophet’s wives were definitely older widows and divorcees; women that were middle-aged and with children, and needed his support.

But the Prophet also married young women – `A’isha, Hafsa, Rayhana, Safiyya, and Juwayriyya; women that probably could have married other companions had the Prophet not married them. Furthermore, the Quran and Sunna do not say that “polygamy was only during wartime”, or that “polygamy is for older widows”; nor do the Quran and Sunna ever ban polygamy from being practiced in future generations. The halals and harams of Islam will remain so until the Day of Resurrection.

Many feminists may find polygamy to be perverted. But a DNA study of populations finds that, in recent history, the global average was that 4-5 women reproduced for every 1 man. This means that, on average, men either didn’t reproduce, or they would reproduce with multiple women. In some periods, there were as many as 17 women reproducing for every man:

“But that was in pre-modern times. There was more conflict and more wealth inequality, and people (men) were uncivilized.” Most of us may be away from conflict today, but men are still being taken away by suicide, drugs, homelessness, the prison system, the military, and overseas jobs at a much higher rate than women. These factors lead to a preponderance of females and a shortage of marriageable males.

On top of that, men are falling behind in education, and women in their 20s in the West now make more money than males in the same age group. This makes it difficult for women to find partners that are equal or above them in socio-economic status. Divorce laws in the West are also discouraging men from getting married; and promiscuous culture allows men to remain unmarried almost indefinitely.

Furthermore, infidelity is at 30-60% in America, and hook-up, prostitution, and sugar-baby culture is expanding further and further.

So essentially, a big chunk of married men in the West are still reaping the “benefits” of polygamy (i.e. sex with more partners), but without bearing the same responsibilities. Married women are still “sharing” their husbands, often knowingly, but without allowing their husband to be accountable to their “side chick”.

What Islamic polygamy does is give the second woman her rights. Instead of her being treated like a secret sexual fantasy, she is recognized, given time, given support, and (if she wants) given children. Polygamy institutionalizes a woman’s desire to be with a stable, marriageable man, and a man’s desire to have a second woman, in a way where rights are guaranteed. It allows us to bring balance to the Umma; where a man sacrifices some of his wealth and a woman sacrifices her exclusivity to help a struggling sister going through difficulty.

The alternative is relationship chaos. Yes, there are many “good men” out there who do not desire a second woman. Maybe even most. But there are far easier ways to find extra sex than to take on a second woman. 

What are we going to do with the slew of Muslim women who can’t get married? Some are older, some are divorced, some have children, some are converts; and for almost all of these women, finding a younger successful man who will take them as their one-and-only is not a realistic option. Should these women just stay single? What polygamy does is it gives a good man to more women and a male guardian to more children. But the word is so taboo that it cannot be uttered, let alone mentioned as a potential solution to the current Muslim marriage crisis. 

Subhanallah, these same liberals want to convince us that it’s more natural for a woman to marry another woman than for a man to marry multiple women. The former is okay, the latter is backwards and barbaric. If marriage can be redefined to include gays, why can’t marriage be redefined to include polygamists? You judge for yourself.

“And if you fear that you will not deal justly with the orphan girls, then marry those that please you of [other] women, two or three or four. But if you fear that you will not be just, then [marry only] one or those your right hand possesses. That is more suitable that you may not incline [to injustice].” (4:3)