Married Life Golden Advice- Shaykh Hasan Ali

All in all it’s a good lecture mashAllah. Just have some reservations with the quote of Ali (RA):

النكاح لزوم مهر ثم سرور شهر ثم غموم دهر ثم كسور ظهر ثم نزول قبر

If anyone has a reference for the quote please do share. Jazak Allahu khairan.

جراحات السنان لها إلتئامو لا يلتئم ما جرح اللسان

Wounds caused by spears may heal… But those caused by tongues will not.

The five keys to get her and her parents to say yes to you

بسم الله
 Assalamu alaikum ,

Here are the five keys to get her and her parents to say yes to you: 1.Money 2.Your goals 3.Your personality 4.Your credibility 5.Your independence Now let’s repeat that again: 1.Money 2.Your goals 3.Your personality 4.Your credibility 5.Your independence

1. Money

Money includes everything from a steady income, spending habits, understanding of wealth, understanding of rizq and tawakkul in Allah SWT and being ready to accept an extra hand to get started. This is a huge area of concern for us as the growing trend amongst brothers these days is that they are broke! Or if they have a decent job or income they don’t know how to manage it properly and their pockets are like blackholes. So anything they make is spent and there is no clue or idea on what it was spent on. Inshallah we will have a workshop or some articles on money in the coming weeks. But until then spend some time and learn how to manage money or if you don’t have a job or steady income, you need to get one.  

2. Goals Your goals would include: your financial goals, educational goals and religious and spiritual goals. This is basically how we mentioned in getting your life priorities straight and focused. Potential sisters and her parents want to know what do you plan for the future for your family. So your financial goals. Do you have or know how to save, do you have debts and if so how do plan to get out of it, career wise are in a dead end job or in something that will not only move up in the financial scale but also in terms of importance. Education. How far are you gonna be going with your education and how much would that affect the quality of your family life? And religious goals. They want to know. How much are you prepared and ready in order to bring a healthy family and healthy children, in terms of their religion, ikhlaq, and character

3. Personality Your personality. That includes: your physical ability. If your physically prepared for that? Do you work out or not? Your intellectual preparation. If you read or not? What kind of reading do you do? Are you that type of person who likes to read and grow up in knowledge? And so on. Can you carry a decent intellectual conversation? Do you have a sense of humour or are you always a serious minded person. There are times to be serious and their are times to chill and laugh and enjoy good company. There is also emotional preparation. Are you ready to handle the stress from marital life? Dealing with a person who is completely different than you for the first time? Are you willing to compromise some of your emotions, for the emotions of your spouse? And lastly, your spiritual preparation. In order to get into this relationship, you also need to prepare yourself spiritually. How much you would like to have the help of your spouse in order to grow in your religion and spiritually? And how much are you willing to help your spouse to grow up in spirituality and religion.

4. Credibility Your credibility. And that includes your social and communal credibility. Which means if people will ask your relatives and ask your family about you. When they receive a positive answer it makes them feel confident that you can really handle the affairs of a family and a wife. Your credibility among your peers. I remember a teacher telling me this saying “Tell me who your friends are and I can tell you who you are.” Which means show me five of your best friends and I can tell who you are. So if now people would ask your friends about you. Do you expect them to say yes to you, or no? This also includes your religious credibility. How much are you involved in the Muslim community? How often do you go to the Masjid? Does the Imam know you? I remember when my wifes family without my knowledge came to my city to inquire about me right after I proposed. Obviously I didn’t know they were doing this but they came to the Imam of my masjid and asked about me and he told them that if he had another daughter he would marry her to me. I’m not saying this to brag or boast but i am mentioning it because it left a huge impact on my to be father in law. The people at the masjid, do they know you or not? can they attest for you. Parents would like to feel confident and comfortable that the person who is proposing to their daughter is not only religious enough to know his religious duties towards his wife and towards his family but the people in the masjid and his community can vouch and verify that he has good credibilty.

5. Independence Your Independence. You need to show them that you are in need of getting married but not necessarily that you are desperate to get married. You need to show that your life goes on with or without marriage and that your goals and life focus will not be hindered in anyway. For some reason our nature is we love to have what we cannot get. So if a family says no to you, you need to show some sort of independence and confidence, that doesn’t mean that you have to just walk out and that’s it, its over. You can still get back again, but not showing any kind of unconfident or desperate position. The independence that you need to show is that you really depend on Allah Subhana-wa-Tallah on all things and all affairs. Specifically they ask the subject of rizq, after taking all the means and the measures to secure that rizq.

Wasalamu alaikum Atiq Nakrawala & Yaser Birjas

Looking for a candidate who is from Jannah

 Looking for a candidate who is from Jannah

When you think of your future spouse, what is the most important
quality you will be looking for?

For most Muslims, they always look for someone who is more
religious than they are. Why? Because they want them to help them
get into Al-Jannah Inshallah, which is something very normal and so

     But in reality, if everyone is looking for someone who is higher
than they are in terms of religion and spirituality, this individual will
also be looking to someone who is higher than you.
     So if you are already looking for someone who is more religious
than you are, at a higher level of spirituality, what do you expect this
person to be looking for?
     They will definitely be looking for someone who is higher than
they are. And that person will look to someone who is higher, and
higher, and higher. Eventually, they will never meet anywhere.
     You have to compromise. And you have to be realistic with
your choices. So if you are looking for someone who is at that
level of spirituality and religion, you need to be at that same level
as well.

Because you need to realize, are you attractive to the
person you want to attract yourself? Meaning, would you marry you?

     That person are they gonna be attracted to you as much as you are
attracted to them?
     Which leads to the next issue of brothers being so picky especially
when it comes to external features such as beauty, certain body shapes
and so on.
     I know a brother who rejected an absolutely beautiful sister
(looks and character) just because she was a little less than an inch
taller than him. Or we have brothers that their standard of beauty
is so high that the only place you will find these women is in a place
called Jannah.
     Come on now! I’m not saying compromise on beauty but be realistic.
     Remember that a lot of times her character will exemplify her beauty, it
will make it stronger and more attarctive.
     Also always remember that a sister that has the looks but no character
nor religion will turn ugly as your relationship of marriage continues.

So try to be balanced in your search and if you see a sister that you
are attracted to but she is not drop dead gorgeous and her religion is
good, go for it and you won’t be disappointed inshallah.

4. Our final mistake is failing to communicate with your parents
about your marriage

This can come in two forms:

1) Not knowing how to communicate completely with your parents.
You don’t know how to talk to them about marriage

2) Delegating everything to your parents because you don’t even know
how to handle the subject of marriage.

On one occasion, a young man came and complained that his
parents are not cooperating with him and they are not really
listening to what he says about his marriage.

So he wanted to have some sort of endorsement to let
him just go through, without the approval of his parents.

     So I asked him how he was communicating with his parents.
     And what kind of talking that goes around with him and his parents.
     Eventually I realized that he was unable to communicate the subject
of marriage in the proper way with his parents. I gave him a few tips and
few techniques on how to communicate with your mom, versus to
communicate with your dad.
     And after some time he gave me a call and says Alhamdulillah it worked
out very well. The point is, he was unable to communicate to his parents the
way his parents would understand the communication level.
     He was trying to enforce his opinions on his parents without making
them feel comfortable, understanding what exactly he is trying to aim to
in his pursuit for marriage. When it comes to families, parents come from
different backgrounds and each background and culture has a different
way to communicate. Some of them are conservatives, some are moderate,
and some of them are liberal.
     We will go into complete details in an upcoming program but
here are a couple key tips:

a) Never try to enforce something on to your parents.  Don’t
bring a girl that you have already been communicating with for 2
years or generally speaking you know the girls your parents will like
and dislike.

     b) Always try to keep an open relationship with them about these
matters.  Sometimes its hard but try.  Tell your mom to help you find a
suitable wife and be part of the process.
     c) Know the trigger points of your mom and dad.  Each of them
has different hot buttons and soft buttons.  So learn and master them.

So guys, try to keep your parents always involved.  It will save you
time, effort and headaches in the end.

Wasalamu aliakum

Atiq Nakrawala & Yaser Birjas

PRACTIMATE, 17304 Maurice Avenue, Cerritos, CA 90703, USA